Mr. Porsche and I had been together for over five years. But since the Mr. Einstein came into my life, I have not seen Mr. Porsche except on a business level once or twice. We talk all the time but I have to be honest, I think it is a combination of wanting to be committed and being able to say "I have never cheated on you" to Mr. Einstein and for it to be the truth. It holds a lot of weight with me. I know we're not married but I also know that I do want this.
Work has been unbearable, the ex not paying child support and I have been content. I kept avoiding Mr. Porsche. Well not avoiding him but I would make plans to see him and then I would cancel. A combination of chickening out and depression (nice mix isn't it..lol). So I soul searched and realized, I had to say good by for now. I realized that I wasn't into the submissive/dominant role playing right now. That wasn't going to work for me at this point in my life. I don't want to be submissive, I am enjoying this equal relationship I have. I also realized that his life is set with the wifey, all the kids leaving to college and he was almost starting his life over with her as an empty nester. Too complicated.
And then of course there is the main reason, I love Mr. Einstein. I am not sure he is MR. Prince Charming but I am happy right now. The sex is amazing and mind blowing. We screw for hours and days...lol Our weekends are just packed with cuddling, raw sex, lovemaking and deep talks. I am happy with him, he fulfills me intellectually and physically......yummy!!!!
I realized I haven't written that much about him here. I think its come down to fear. I fear he is going to find my blog or that Mr. Porsche would find it. I fear that the exact thing would happen with Mr. Einstein as it did with Mystery Man. My blog was the demise of us. I don't want to chance it. Mr. Einstein said something I didn't think about. He said that men will look at an ex's new boyfriend and feel like...hey, he has my leftovers. Where as a woman looks at her ex as...see, I moved on and did better. Mr. Einstein knows about my blog BUT I will never let him read it. He knows I had affairs but I never went into detail. He knows the last guy I slept with had a small cock and he knows that the trainer I didn't sleep with had the biggest cock I had ever seen. He knows I have a past. I cannot share it with him. He does know it exists though and well the past is the past.
I think I am going to start blogging about our sex life. It would be a shame to not have it in my diary.....especially since it is soooooooo hot!!!!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Is Anyone Truly Happy?
I wonder, is anyone truly happy? Is it just me? Trust me, the divorce was the right move and everyday I know I made the right decision. Actually there hasn't been one day where I thought it was the wrong decision. My life is more on track. I am more in control and I no longer anticipate a financial disaster luring around the corner. But there is this emptiness inside of me. It's still there. It's not like it was but I am still empty. Will I ever truly be happy or do we all walk around with a little emptiness? Are there people who are fulfilled or are we all striving for something that truly does not exist?
The man I have been with for eight months now....yes, Cheri has been faithful to him for eight months. Mr. Porsche knows I have found someone. I still talk to him weekly but I haven't seen him. He's still a huge support for me. I still love him but at this time, I am fulfilled sexually by my new man.
The sex?! Mind blowing sex ladies and gentleman. Everyone deserves to have this type of sex in their lives. And...it is still as hot as it was since day one! During a weekend, we will have sex seven to ten times. And if we don't....he will go down on me some of the time until I can't take the orgasms anymore. Yes, sex in the kitchen, sex on the washing machine...sex on the couch, in the bed, in the tub. Oh, it's really great sex...lol
I do love him. BUT it's not perfect. He's like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes and that is difficult. He has issues he has to work out. Sometimes I can't take them. Sometimes I want to leave but when we are relaxing and enjoying each other...I know this is where I want to be. But, there are problems. He is very critical which is not good for my self esteem. He is also a little OCD and ADHD....a pessimistic person too. Funny, he's a lot like Mystery Man...hehehhehe isn't that ironic.
So back to the question. When you close your eyes and think of your life....are you happy? Do you say I have a great life? Or are you longing for something else or someone else? Is there a little emptiness that is not filled? I am wondering if I am looking for something that just doesn't exist. Oh, there is a part of me that will always have a sad part....because its related to my children and that I cannot fix but I have accepted that will always be there. But my question is, do I still keep looking for contentment and happiness that fills me totally or is this the best it will be?
The man I have been with for eight months now....yes, Cheri has been faithful to him for eight months. Mr. Porsche knows I have found someone. I still talk to him weekly but I haven't seen him. He's still a huge support for me. I still love him but at this time, I am fulfilled sexually by my new man.
The sex?! Mind blowing sex ladies and gentleman. Everyone deserves to have this type of sex in their lives. And...it is still as hot as it was since day one! During a weekend, we will have sex seven to ten times. And if we don't....he will go down on me some of the time until I can't take the orgasms anymore. Yes, sex in the kitchen, sex on the washing machine...sex on the couch, in the bed, in the tub. Oh, it's really great sex...lol
I do love him. BUT it's not perfect. He's like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes and that is difficult. He has issues he has to work out. Sometimes I can't take them. Sometimes I want to leave but when we are relaxing and enjoying each other...I know this is where I want to be. But, there are problems. He is very critical which is not good for my self esteem. He is also a little OCD and ADHD....a pessimistic person too. Funny, he's a lot like Mystery Man...hehehhehe isn't that ironic.
So back to the question. When you close your eyes and think of your life....are you happy? Do you say I have a great life? Or are you longing for something else or someone else? Is there a little emptiness that is not filled? I am wondering if I am looking for something that just doesn't exist. Oh, there is a part of me that will always have a sad part....because its related to my children and that I cannot fix but I have accepted that will always be there. But my question is, do I still keep looking for contentment and happiness that fills me totally or is this the best it will be?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Feeling Of Alone
It's been awhile since I have written. Not from a lack of wanting to but from a lack of time. I miss my blog, I miss my diary, I miss the serenity it has brought to me.
On a personal note, Cheri has been seeing one man for eight months now! Yes, not one cheat. I guess my big question is....is life always a scale or are you settling if someone is not exactly for you in every way? The New Guy and I connect emotionally and physically. There is never a lapse in our conversation, there is never a missing of affection, he loves to cuddle and he's amazing in bed. He can eat me out for hours and absolutely loves it, as do I. He's got a special technique with his lips and tongue that drive me insane.
I laugh like I have never laughed, I connect with him unlike others because we do not have secrets. However, there are the faults. He doesn't give me the support like Mr. Porsche did emotionally. It's a little about me and all about him sometimes. Most of the time its okay but some days, I need someone to hold me as the tears flow and tell me its going to be okay. That and his criticism of my lack of gym visits and my diet are starting to wear on me big time. Some days I feel I need a break. So if you are really happy and you enjoy someone but there are a few issues that are getting to you, do you stay?
My mind has been fragmented lately. Work is overwhelming and the house is too. The kids all have drama and I am trying to surge ahead with major things like wills, re-financing, ill parents....I have been carrying a very large burden. As expected, and none of you will be surprised, the EX has lost his job and got one and looking for another. So I had to pick up the burden of health insurance and he hasn't given me a penny in over 20 weeks. His old liens and problems just keep re-surfacing one way or another. IT's been a rough few months.
But...I have to say...I do not regret for one moment getting the divorce. If fact, with each screw up comes the satisfaction of knowing that I totally made the right decision. Now if life would just get a little easier!!
On a positive note, I am starting a new business. Aaahhh...I can't wait to get it off the ground. So I haven't been on Ashley Madison in a long time, anyone on there with some great stories? I miss it actually. Yes, the men were married but they were quality men. I have been considering to return to browse, see what's on there. Am I having an itch? I guess. I heard from so many blasts from the past this week that I am back thinking back to those hot sex encounters.
Mr. Porsche is still in my life but I haven't seen him in months. The pressure is on, he wants to see me. I don't have the heart to end it totally. Mystery Man...ahhh...I wouldn't trade a day in for what we had. The memories still pop in my head and make me smile. He won't write. I even attempted to bring him into the real world with me and link on linked in and he hasn't become my friend. I know its so over and honestly, I wouldn't want to re-kindle it because it might ruin the memories. But I have to tell you....everyone should have a romance like that. Everyone should experience the lust, passion and desire...one day we will meet again.
On a personal note, Cheri has been seeing one man for eight months now! Yes, not one cheat. I guess my big question is....is life always a scale or are you settling if someone is not exactly for you in every way? The New Guy and I connect emotionally and physically. There is never a lapse in our conversation, there is never a missing of affection, he loves to cuddle and he's amazing in bed. He can eat me out for hours and absolutely loves it, as do I. He's got a special technique with his lips and tongue that drive me insane.
I laugh like I have never laughed, I connect with him unlike others because we do not have secrets. However, there are the faults. He doesn't give me the support like Mr. Porsche did emotionally. It's a little about me and all about him sometimes. Most of the time its okay but some days, I need someone to hold me as the tears flow and tell me its going to be okay. That and his criticism of my lack of gym visits and my diet are starting to wear on me big time. Some days I feel I need a break. So if you are really happy and you enjoy someone but there are a few issues that are getting to you, do you stay?
My mind has been fragmented lately. Work is overwhelming and the house is too. The kids all have drama and I am trying to surge ahead with major things like wills, re-financing, ill parents....I have been carrying a very large burden. As expected, and none of you will be surprised, the EX has lost his job and got one and looking for another. So I had to pick up the burden of health insurance and he hasn't given me a penny in over 20 weeks. His old liens and problems just keep re-surfacing one way or another. IT's been a rough few months.
But...I have to say...I do not regret for one moment getting the divorce. If fact, with each screw up comes the satisfaction of knowing that I totally made the right decision. Now if life would just get a little easier!!
On a positive note, I am starting a new business. Aaahhh...I can't wait to get it off the ground. So I haven't been on Ashley Madison in a long time, anyone on there with some great stories? I miss it actually. Yes, the men were married but they were quality men. I have been considering to return to browse, see what's on there. Am I having an itch? I guess. I heard from so many blasts from the past this week that I am back thinking back to those hot sex encounters.
Mr. Porsche is still in my life but I haven't seen him in months. The pressure is on, he wants to see me. I don't have the heart to end it totally. Mystery Man...ahhh...I wouldn't trade a day in for what we had. The memories still pop in my head and make me smile. He won't write. I even attempted to bring him into the real world with me and link on linked in and he hasn't become my friend. I know its so over and honestly, I wouldn't want to re-kindle it because it might ruin the memories. But I have to tell you....everyone should have a romance like that. Everyone should experience the lust, passion and desire...one day we will meet again.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
It's Been a Long Time
Yes, it's been a really long time since my last post. Having lived two separate worlds, my blog was always my escape...my second world. After the divorce, the worlds began to mold into one...leaving me with nothing that needed to be secret anymore. A very strange and bizarre feeling and quite frankly very hard to adjust to in some ways.
I am fine! Things are great. Actually, someone in the area had figured out that my blog was me. In fact, they were in a dysfunctional way attempting to blackmail me. Getting off on the fact that he knew who I was and that we could have some fun with it. At first, I denied it but then thought about it and was like how dare he! So I went on the offense. I was able to track down where the emails were coming from (my public library) and they do have surveillance recordings. I knew that once I saw the video I would be able to pick the guy out. I also knew that he must be married and while you know that I would take all my frogs to my grave with me--this one deserved to be approached. I sent him an email that I would not be blackmailed, nor send him private sessions and I told him to show his face! I told him it was horrible that he was making me feel so uncomfortable and I have been through enough. He went away and I decided to not go down to the library to see the tapes. They have kept them for my viewing and the log of emails that went out that day to be able to track him. I have decided to let it go. I am sure he didn't realize how uncomfortable it was and stalkerish....so I am going to leave it alone for now.
On a personal level...I have been seeing one person now for 4.5 months! Yes, can you believe it...Cheri has settled down a little bit and really enjoying it. It's insane...I see him everyday almost because he is going through a killer divorce so he comes here. Mentally we are on the same page, it's almost scary. However, there is a dark side of him that I can't wrap myself around totally.
And the frogs?!?! You know my theory, they always come back and a lot of them have this past four months.
So I just wanted to say hi!!! Miss you all!! Work is not going so great but its paying the bills right now. I worry everyday about money. It's so hard. Sorry, Ididn't even realize I had been on moderation for comments....but now I have released it so write away!! How is everyone?!! I will try to come back this week. As I am writing this I realized how much I miss my blog!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo
I am fine! Things are great. Actually, someone in the area had figured out that my blog was me. In fact, they were in a dysfunctional way attempting to blackmail me. Getting off on the fact that he knew who I was and that we could have some fun with it. At first, I denied it but then thought about it and was like how dare he! So I went on the offense. I was able to track down where the emails were coming from (my public library) and they do have surveillance recordings. I knew that once I saw the video I would be able to pick the guy out. I also knew that he must be married and while you know that I would take all my frogs to my grave with me--this one deserved to be approached. I sent him an email that I would not be blackmailed, nor send him private sessions and I told him to show his face! I told him it was horrible that he was making me feel so uncomfortable and I have been through enough. He went away and I decided to not go down to the library to see the tapes. They have kept them for my viewing and the log of emails that went out that day to be able to track him. I have decided to let it go. I am sure he didn't realize how uncomfortable it was and stalkerish....so I am going to leave it alone for now.
On a personal level...I have been seeing one person now for 4.5 months! Yes, can you believe it...Cheri has settled down a little bit and really enjoying it. It's insane...I see him everyday almost because he is going through a killer divorce so he comes here. Mentally we are on the same page, it's almost scary. However, there is a dark side of him that I can't wrap myself around totally.
And the frogs?!?! You know my theory, they always come back and a lot of them have this past four months.
So I just wanted to say hi!!! Miss you all!! Work is not going so great but its paying the bills right now. I worry everyday about money. It's so hard. Sorry, Ididn't even realize I had been on moderation for comments....but now I have released it so write away!! How is everyone?!! I will try to come back this week. As I am writing this I realized how much I miss my blog!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Sex Filled Weekend
The one thing the new guy is teaching me is how to relax. We spend hours upon hours in bed just holding each other and rubbing each others backs and massaging each other. He likes to cuddle!! We went out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend, which was something new...and then we came back to my house and relaxed. Nothing like some wine and well, we did something I haven't done in a long time...I got stoned! I was never into it as a younger person but I actually really like it. It makes my mind go free. And I giggle and giggle and giggle.
We lied in my bed and he began kissing me and I could feel his cock was hard. We quickly undressed and had some good ass sex. Deep thrusts....very deep and fast and hard....then he likes to cum on me...and I will fingerpaint with his cum all over my body. With the cum on my face, he kissed me and we smooshed the cum all over our faces. It was hot!
Next was my tub. There is nothing like my tub. With romantic music playing, the jets swirling, a bottle of wine, the candles burning, the moonlight shining in....its a recipe for romance. And how hot a person looks in candlelight and the reflection of the water. Our kisses are unexplainable...they are intense, they are deep, they make me melt into his soul. And he feels it too. There are no words to explain our kisses, they are slow and deep yet fast and intense....we kissed for 40 minutes....craziness. And i took pictures of us kissing and you can see the passion...WOW...To my amazement that just from our kisses, in 103 degree temperature, after just having sex less than an hour before---his cock was hard as a rock. And he was shocked too! Just kissing and sucking on my nipples, makes his cock hard. He loves how pointy my nipples get. He tells me over and over that he hasn't ever seen a finer set of nipples.
Getting out of the tub, we collapsed in the bed. And after some giggles and watching tv, I can't help but start playing with his cock again....but he's like nope, its my turn to eat you. The man kills me...he is such a male version of me. He listens to my moans, he listens to my ahhhs and he pays close attention to what makes me get wet and what makes my clit get all engorged and my muscles pulsate. And just like I do with a blow job, he choreographs the perfect pussy eating. He knows a nibble on my clit with some circles with his tongue, some licks, light circles, fast tongue action, slow tongue action. It's a challenge, it's control....and it kills me that he knows just how to make me cum. Oh I love it but he is so smug that I attempt to hold out....and he laughs because he can feel my clit about to explode, he can feel my body shaking....come on baby, let it go....and he goes in for one more nibble and lick of my clit and I explode....a wave of orgasms as my body thrashes on the bed. And then he fucks me again....its mindblowing.
Five times in 15 hours is pretty damn good. But I do have to teach him to make love. He's petrified, a big step but I like it slow and hot too....and he's willing to learn and we've gone 3/4 but its going to take awhile for him to get that slow, hot, orgasmic sex. But he will.
We were in bed till 2:30pm, watching tv, I love Lucy and just talking, cuddling and laughing. We slept two hours the whole night. Our little sexfests are hot. The laughs we have, the things I think only we would find funny--he's got that same warped humor I have so its hysterical.
Our big joke since we met was that every woman his whole life has tried to rein him in, make him more responsible....but he loves to have fun. Our big joke from day one was that there is no woman who would ever get him to sign up for online banking. At 4AM, totally exhausted--I told him it was time...Yes, I was going to get him to sign up for online banking. He was laughing so hard, its like a major commitment for him..lol And so I sent him out in the cold to get his checkbook and we signed him up. at 6AM, I rolled over and cuddled into him as woke him up with a nice blow job to start the morning off right.....but before I went down to his cock, I whispered...good morning Mr. Online banker.....he laughed and got the best bj of his life!
So, I am relaxed. I am okay with us. He hasn't been sitting online and i haven't been on my online either. It's been nice that we are enjoying each other with no other distractions. As he put it.....we fuck until my cock is going to fall off. do you think I even want to think about another woman after our weekends?!? Aaahh, now there's a plan.....keep screwing till he begs me to stop because his cock is going to fall off.
I am enjoying us. Is it perfect? OMG, it is so headed for destruction for soooo many reasons but for now...I am happy and he is too. Yeah! Don't think is my motto and today I am sooooooooo not thinking!
We lied in my bed and he began kissing me and I could feel his cock was hard. We quickly undressed and had some good ass sex. Deep thrusts....very deep and fast and hard....then he likes to cum on me...and I will fingerpaint with his cum all over my body. With the cum on my face, he kissed me and we smooshed the cum all over our faces. It was hot!
Next was my tub. There is nothing like my tub. With romantic music playing, the jets swirling, a bottle of wine, the candles burning, the moonlight shining in....its a recipe for romance. And how hot a person looks in candlelight and the reflection of the water. Our kisses are unexplainable...they are intense, they are deep, they make me melt into his soul. And he feels it too. There are no words to explain our kisses, they are slow and deep yet fast and intense....we kissed for 40 minutes....craziness. And i took pictures of us kissing and you can see the passion...WOW...To my amazement that just from our kisses, in 103 degree temperature, after just having sex less than an hour before---his cock was hard as a rock. And he was shocked too! Just kissing and sucking on my nipples, makes his cock hard. He loves how pointy my nipples get. He tells me over and over that he hasn't ever seen a finer set of nipples.
Getting out of the tub, we collapsed in the bed. And after some giggles and watching tv, I can't help but start playing with his cock again....but he's like nope, its my turn to eat you. The man kills me...he is such a male version of me. He listens to my moans, he listens to my ahhhs and he pays close attention to what makes me get wet and what makes my clit get all engorged and my muscles pulsate. And just like I do with a blow job, he choreographs the perfect pussy eating. He knows a nibble on my clit with some circles with his tongue, some licks, light circles, fast tongue action, slow tongue action. It's a challenge, it's control....and it kills me that he knows just how to make me cum. Oh I love it but he is so smug that I attempt to hold out....and he laughs because he can feel my clit about to explode, he can feel my body shaking....come on baby, let it go....and he goes in for one more nibble and lick of my clit and I explode....a wave of orgasms as my body thrashes on the bed. And then he fucks me again....its mindblowing.
Five times in 15 hours is pretty damn good. But I do have to teach him to make love. He's petrified, a big step but I like it slow and hot too....and he's willing to learn and we've gone 3/4 but its going to take awhile for him to get that slow, hot, orgasmic sex. But he will.
We were in bed till 2:30pm, watching tv, I love Lucy and just talking, cuddling and laughing. We slept two hours the whole night. Our little sexfests are hot. The laughs we have, the things I think only we would find funny--he's got that same warped humor I have so its hysterical.
Our big joke since we met was that every woman his whole life has tried to rein him in, make him more responsible....but he loves to have fun. Our big joke from day one was that there is no woman who would ever get him to sign up for online banking. At 4AM, totally exhausted--I told him it was time...Yes, I was going to get him to sign up for online banking. He was laughing so hard, its like a major commitment for him..lol And so I sent him out in the cold to get his checkbook and we signed him up. at 6AM, I rolled over and cuddled into him as woke him up with a nice blow job to start the morning off right.....but before I went down to his cock, I whispered...good morning Mr. Online banker.....he laughed and got the best bj of his life!
So, I am relaxed. I am okay with us. He hasn't been sitting online and i haven't been on my online either. It's been nice that we are enjoying each other with no other distractions. As he put it.....we fuck until my cock is going to fall off. do you think I even want to think about another woman after our weekends?!? Aaahh, now there's a plan.....keep screwing till he begs me to stop because his cock is going to fall off.
I am enjoying us. Is it perfect? OMG, it is so headed for destruction for soooo many reasons but for now...I am happy and he is too. Yeah! Don't think is my motto and today I am sooooooooo not thinking!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Have you ever tried to fight love?
The emptiness hurt so much. I could feel a whole in my heart and stomach, it really encompassed my entire chest. Why did we end? There was no specific reason except he needs to find himself and didn't plan on falling in love. Well I didn't plan on falling for him either. Sigh...
At 12:01AM, I sent him a text....Happy Birthday! Wooo Hooo.. xoxoxo
He immediately wrote back, "without even looking at my phone, I knew it was you. And the emptiness in my chest seemed to lighten. These last two days have been hell, I can't think, I can't eat, I have just been thinking about how much I miss you and how insane it is".
He explained how I was feeling to a tee. He was feeling exactly how I was feeling. Empty and lost without him in my life. I called him and we spoke for the next three hours.
He told me how he doesn't care about finding himself because without me he is even more lost. That I am the only sunshine in his life (of course besides his kids) and that the thought of me makes his insides fill with joy. That he was feeling darker and darker and no matter where he turned he would have a flashback of my smile, or think about us together....he was living an internal torture. And for what? I don't know how but I want you in my life that's all I know. I can't make promises, I can't promise it won't be a rocky road but I do not want to be without you. I am either falling in love with you or I am in love with you and I am just fighting it because the timing is wrong. But its ridiculous and I want you.
Well that pretty much summed it up for me. Have you ever tried to fight love? It's an internal tug of war. So I decided last night, I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't imagine the end would hurt anymore than I was hurting the last few days and quite frankly if it does, well at least I jumped in with two feet and enjoyed the ride. If I am going to hurt, I might as well enjoy the ride. I learned that years ago with Mystery Man. I was always afraid he was going to leave, that I didn't totally allow myself to enjoy the time we had together. So after his second departure, I learned to say...okay, he's going to do this again and he will come back so enjoy the time together. And I did, and things felt so right. And yes, he left and I died inside again but I enjoyed our time together.
So now I said again....I am petrified this time. I am scared because of so many reasons but I need to set them aside. Ironically, what is scaring me more now is this funky darkness/sixth sense he has going on. If you don't believe in it, you will think I am insane but I believe in angels and spirits. I just hope my angels and my energy are able to combat that darkside of him. I hope he doesn't drain me. Did I tell you about the light's blowing out two weeks ago? Did I tell you how things fall and no one is around? I believe in that stuff to a point. not obsessed with it but I do believe in it. I think its time to go back to the psychic.
Anyway, I went off track a little. I asked him. when do you think we fell in love? And I knew when I thought it was. We were lying on my bed and he turned to me and he kissed me. And it was a kiss like I have never had in my life. I let all the walls down and totally gave 100% of my inner soul into that kiss. I felt a connection, I felt the energy, I felt the unity that I have never felt before in a kiss. And when he answered....he told me....for him it was that same kiss. I didn't say it first, I waited for him to tell me when it was...lol Yes, he felt that energy and that intenseness too. How crazy.....
So what are we doing? We have no fucking idea! We just know that we want each other and we feel good with each other and that is what we are going to go with. And will the road get rocky? OMG...it will be the sickest ride I have taken yet. But I am willing to see where it takes me. So be prepared because this one is going to make me need my blog and my blogger friends. It's so funny. When things are status quo, even when I was with Mr. Non Weekend, I didnt feel the urge to blog. Oh there are a few things I will catch up on, a summary so I have him in here. But I didn't need to blog...it didn't seem important. But now that I started writing again, I realize how good it is for me and how much it helps me.
And I am sorry for the confusion. I try to fill in the blanks sometimes and I know it gets hard to follow. but hopefully if I can blog regularly it will be easier. So today, its his birthday and we are on to see each other for just a little bit tonight. I bought him a special present that I had engraved. It's a notebook for him to put his creative thoughts. He's brilliant with inventions. Its his passion but he had to put it on hold in order to make money and support his family. But it hurts him so because he loves it. So i bought him this inventors notebook that has his name engraved on it for him to keep going with his ideas even though he can't act on them now. I also bought him a lava lamp because when we first met, he told me that he always wanted a lava lamp. I know he is going to be surprised that I remembered that.
So I am back to work. Feeling much more balanced and my heart is happy again. For how long, I do not know. but this time around, I am going to try and not fight love. I am going to try and just see where the world takes us.
At 12:01AM, I sent him a text....Happy Birthday! Wooo Hooo.. xoxoxo
He immediately wrote back, "without even looking at my phone, I knew it was you. And the emptiness in my chest seemed to lighten. These last two days have been hell, I can't think, I can't eat, I have just been thinking about how much I miss you and how insane it is".
He explained how I was feeling to a tee. He was feeling exactly how I was feeling. Empty and lost without him in my life. I called him and we spoke for the next three hours.
He told me how he doesn't care about finding himself because without me he is even more lost. That I am the only sunshine in his life (of course besides his kids) and that the thought of me makes his insides fill with joy. That he was feeling darker and darker and no matter where he turned he would have a flashback of my smile, or think about us together....he was living an internal torture. And for what? I don't know how but I want you in my life that's all I know. I can't make promises, I can't promise it won't be a rocky road but I do not want to be without you. I am either falling in love with you or I am in love with you and I am just fighting it because the timing is wrong. But its ridiculous and I want you.
Well that pretty much summed it up for me. Have you ever tried to fight love? It's an internal tug of war. So I decided last night, I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't imagine the end would hurt anymore than I was hurting the last few days and quite frankly if it does, well at least I jumped in with two feet and enjoyed the ride. If I am going to hurt, I might as well enjoy the ride. I learned that years ago with Mystery Man. I was always afraid he was going to leave, that I didn't totally allow myself to enjoy the time we had together. So after his second departure, I learned to say...okay, he's going to do this again and he will come back so enjoy the time together. And I did, and things felt so right. And yes, he left and I died inside again but I enjoyed our time together.
So now I said again....I am petrified this time. I am scared because of so many reasons but I need to set them aside. Ironically, what is scaring me more now is this funky darkness/sixth sense he has going on. If you don't believe in it, you will think I am insane but I believe in angels and spirits. I just hope my angels and my energy are able to combat that darkside of him. I hope he doesn't drain me. Did I tell you about the light's blowing out two weeks ago? Did I tell you how things fall and no one is around? I believe in that stuff to a point. not obsessed with it but I do believe in it. I think its time to go back to the psychic.
Anyway, I went off track a little. I asked him. when do you think we fell in love? And I knew when I thought it was. We were lying on my bed and he turned to me and he kissed me. And it was a kiss like I have never had in my life. I let all the walls down and totally gave 100% of my inner soul into that kiss. I felt a connection, I felt the energy, I felt the unity that I have never felt before in a kiss. And when he answered....he told me....for him it was that same kiss. I didn't say it first, I waited for him to tell me when it was...lol Yes, he felt that energy and that intenseness too. How crazy.....
So what are we doing? We have no fucking idea! We just know that we want each other and we feel good with each other and that is what we are going to go with. And will the road get rocky? OMG...it will be the sickest ride I have taken yet. But I am willing to see where it takes me. So be prepared because this one is going to make me need my blog and my blogger friends. It's so funny. When things are status quo, even when I was with Mr. Non Weekend, I didnt feel the urge to blog. Oh there are a few things I will catch up on, a summary so I have him in here. But I didn't need to blog...it didn't seem important. But now that I started writing again, I realize how good it is for me and how much it helps me.
And I am sorry for the confusion. I try to fill in the blanks sometimes and I know it gets hard to follow. but hopefully if I can blog regularly it will be easier. So today, its his birthday and we are on to see each other for just a little bit tonight. I bought him a special present that I had engraved. It's a notebook for him to put his creative thoughts. He's brilliant with inventions. Its his passion but he had to put it on hold in order to make money and support his family. But it hurts him so because he loves it. So i bought him this inventors notebook that has his name engraved on it for him to keep going with his ideas even though he can't act on them now. I also bought him a lava lamp because when we first met, he told me that he always wanted a lava lamp. I know he is going to be surprised that I remembered that.
So I am back to work. Feeling much more balanced and my heart is happy again. For how long, I do not know. but this time around, I am going to try and not fight love. I am going to try and just see where the world takes us.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
Hey Baby,
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
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